What should / shouldn’t a couple do before marriage?

This question on marriage touches on God’s design for relationships, sexual integrity, spiritual formation, and preparation for a lifelong covenant. Scripture consistently presents marriage as a sacred, God-given union between one man and one woman. Because of this, the period before marriage is not a miniature version of marriage itself but a season of discernment, self-control, character testing, and covenant preparation. What a couple does before marriage shapes the health and holiness of the relationship they will one day share.

1. God’s Design: Why the Boundaries Before Marriage Matter

Marriage in Scripture is heterosexual, monogamous, and covenantal. Genesis describes God creating humanity male and female and uniting them as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This union includes physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational dimensions. Because sexual intimacy is part of that union, the Bible teaches that it belongs exclusively within marriage.

Several truths guide this conviction:

• Sex is covenantal, not recreational.
  In Scripture, sexual union seals a covenantal bond rather than functioning as a test of compatibility.

• Marriage images God’s relationship with His people.
  Ephesians 5:25–33 shows that marriage reflects Christ and the church, making its boundaries sacred.

• Pre-marital sexuality undermines God’s design.
  First Thessalonians 4:3–5 commands believers to abstain from sexual immorality and pursue holiness.

• Cohabitation distorts the marital bond.
  Living together before marriage treats the “one flesh” union as a trial arrangement rather than a covenant. It also abuses the procreative nature of marriage, which God designed to be ordered to lifelong union.

This framework shapes what Scripture prohibits and what it encourages during the pre-marital stage.

2. What a Couple Should Not Do Before Marriage

The Bible’s boundaries are not arbitrary; they protect something precious. God guards sexual union because it is powerful, formative, and covenantal. Because of this, several actions fall outside God’s will for couples preparing for marriage.

A. A couple should not engage in sexual intimacy

Sexual activity—including intercourse and all behaviors meant to arouse sexual passion—belongs only to marriage. First Corinthians 6:18 warns believers to “flee from sexual immorality.” Sexual sin is not merely a violation of rules; it misuses the body, distorts intimacy, and creates spiritual consequences.

B. A couple should not cohabit before marriage

Cohabitation presents itself as a modern norm, but biblically it collapses the distinction between exploration and covenant. The “one flesh” union is meant for a lifelong commitment, not a pre-marital arrangement. Cohabitation also places couples into temptation without covenantal protection.

C. A couple should not function as if married

This includes:

• merging finances,

• sharing a home,

• making life-binding decisions without covenant,

• presenting themselves socially as husband and wife.

The boundary between dating/engagement and marriage should remain clear.

D. A couple should not cultivate secret intimacy

Hiding a relationship from accountability—friends, pastors, family—often creates environments where sin can grow. Proverbs consistently warns against secrecy and isolation.

E. A couple should not assume marriage is guaranteed

Engagement does not carry covenantal permanence. Premature emotional or physical fusion can lead to deep wounds if the relationship ends.

The Bible’s constraints aim at protection, clarity, and holiness—not deprivation.

3. What a Couple Should Do Before Marriage

While Scripture places boundaries around sexual intimacy and cohabitation, it also provides positive guidance for how couples can prepare well for a lifelong union.

A. Pursue holiness and self-control

Before two people can be faithful to each other, they must learn to be faithful to God. Titus 2:11–12 teaches believers to “renounce ungodliness and worldly passions” and live self-controlled lives.

Practical expressions include:

• guarding purity of thought and action,

• setting physical boundaries,

• practicing accountability,

• cultivating prayer and Scripture habits together.

B. Seek wisdom through counsel and community

Proverbs teaches that “in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Couples should include:

• pastors,

• mentors,

• older married couples,

• trusted friends.

These voices help discern character, compatibility, and calling.

C. Develop communication, conflict resolution, and shared expectations

Before marriage, couples should intentionally talk through:

• finances,

• family expectations,

• spiritual rhythms,

• roles and responsibilities,

• future hopes and fears,

• expectations for intimacy,

• habits and patterns that need change.

Unity in these areas strengthens the foundation for marriage.

D. Grow spiritually—together and individually

A healthy Christian marriage is built on two people following Christ. Couples should pray together, study Scripture, worship with the church, and cultivate a shared faith.

E. Honor one another in purity

First Timothy 5:2 instructs believers to treat others “in all purity.” This principle shapes how a couple relates emotionally and physically while preparing for marriage.

The goal is not merely to avoid sin but to cultivate Christlike love.

4. Paul’s Caution: Marriage Is Good but Not Ultimate

Paul acknowledges both the goodness and the complexity of marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7, he teaches:

• Marriage is honorable, yet it brings worldly troubles.

• Singleness allows for undivided devotion to the Lord.

• Marriage can help restrain sexual misconduct by providing a proper context for intimacy.

• Each state—married or unmarried—is God’s gift.

Paul’s counsel shapes pre-marital preparation in two important ways:

1. Marriage is not an escape from loneliness, insecurity, or spiritual immaturity.
A spouse cannot fix the heart.

2. Marriage is not ultimate; Christ is.
Marriage exists for this age, not the one to come. Its design points beyond itself to Christ and His church.

This frees couples to pursue marriage with sober joy, recognizing both its beauty and its limits.

5. The Christ-Church Model: How Pre-Marital Love Should Be Formed

Scripture grounds marriage in the relationship between Christ and the church. This model guides not only how spouses treat one another in marriage but also how they prepare for marriage.

A. Christlike love is sacrificial

A man preparing for marriage learns to put another’s needs ahead of his own (Ephesians 5:25).

B. Christlike love is honoring

A woman preparing for marriage treats her future husband with dignity, respect, and encouragement (Ephesians 5:33).

C. Christlike love pursues holiness

Couples encourage one another toward faithfulness, repentance, and spiritual maturity.

D. Christlike love is patient

Pre-marital restraint reflects the patience of Christ, who guards and grows His people.

When a couple prepares in this way, they enter marriage with rhythms shaped by the Gospel rather than by cultural habits.

Bible Verses About Preparing for Marriage and Pursuing Holiness

• “This is the will of God… that you abstain from sexual immorality.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3)

• “Flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

• “Marriage is to be held in honor among all.” (Hebrews 13:4)

• “The two shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

• “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

• “Treat… women as sisters, in all purity.” (1 Timothy 5:2)

• “Make every effort to supplement your faith.” (2 Peter 1:5)

• “In an abundance of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)

• “Walk by the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:16)

• “Be holy in all your conduct.” (1 Peter 1:15)